Hater’s guide to the College Football Playoff: Dabo turns SEC tears into holy water

Of the many things worth hating about college football, most of them are at least tacitly associated with the most hated people in sports: television executives.

They fix games that hurt your team. They don’t fix games that should be fixed to help your team. They find a way to keep those games at four hours. They won’t let their employees say “two-minute warning” even though we all know it’s A TWO-MINUTE WARNING. They’re giving us 18-team leagues with teams that are 18-hour drives apart, and so much stiff Nick Saban acting. They say “harumph” under their breath a lot, when they aren’t breathlessly debating the 36 teams that will make up NFL Campus North and NFL Campus South.

They are, per previous reporting from The Athletic’s Grant Brisbee, “chuzzlewits and pecksniffs.” And by the way, add that World Series Hater’s Guide to the list of targets of this Hater’s Guide, because that one was much funnier. This one, however, does have a curveball in its repertoire: some love for the TV execs. Before getting into the 12 teams of the College Football Playoff and why each is uniquely worthy of deep resentment and scorn, let’s celebrate the one that isn’t here.

Thank you, media rights overlords, for not forcing Alabama into our living rooms when the Crimson Tide didn’t deserve it, even though so many were sure you would. We all know you can buzz into the selection committee deliberation room with a direct order, and I imagine it’s delivered at booming levels by an enormous hologram that gives off a scary “Wizard of Oz” vibe except with the visage of Lou Holtz. You held off this time, and maybe it’s because oil people are scarier than TV people, but whatever. Thank you.

Moreover, thank you for existing and making the resulting SEC administrator/coach/public relations — er, media — weeping such a hoot. Oh, you’re going to stop scheduling competitive nonleague games? Going Mercer-McNeese State-Maine-Murray State and keeping it at eight SEC games if that’s how they’re going to treat you? Here, let us reintroduce you to the people who run the sport.

Greg Sankey may tweet about schedule strength and have a humorous-yet-somewhat-tender anecdote for every coach he introduces at SEC media days, but check out his necktie collection and understand he’ll always side with team “harumph.” So good luck with that.

And good luck, Alabama, in the Spoon Makes Annoying Clinking Sound Against My Cereal Bowl. On to the games that mean more.

Tennessee at Ohio State, winner gets Oregon: Ducks, Bucks and Pilot Flying J welcomes trucks

Apparently, because Ohio State fans are spoiled brats who would rather fire their 66-10 coach and imprison Connor Stalions than win a national championship, more Vols fans are going to gather Saturday at Ohio Stadium than did on Nov. 26, 2017, in Knoxville. That’s the day a bunch of them got together to falsely accuse Ohio State’s defensive coordinator of heinous crimes because they didn’t want him to be their football coach.

Schiano shaming joins mattress burning, butt chugging and mustard bottle chucking in a tapestry of Tennessee embarrassments over the past two decades, but things are much better now thanks to Josh Heupel and his football team. These people are thrilled to be in the Playoff — the Vols are usually fighting for something like the How Much More Would You Trust Raiders Owner Mark Davis If His Haircut Wasn’t A Bowl — and they’re acting like it.

In an elite “X” matchup of fans who post awful things that no one should ever say to other humans, Vols fans have apparently duped Buckeyes fans into selling them their tickets. I’d say I’m surprised, but Ohio State fans also seem to think Knoxville is a tropical paradise in the winter and that temps in the high 20s will make the Vols turtle the way the Buckeyes do every time they see winged helmets.

Just understand, Vols: In Ohio, they actually have elected officials who make up crimes, and felonies at that. If you win, walk quietly to the locker room with your eyes down. If you so much as touch a flag, the punishment will be harsher than the things that Buckeyes Boosters members will be screaming at Ryan Day when he leads his team onto the field Saturday.

Ohio lawmaker proposes bill to make flag planting a felony | Click on the image to read the full story

— WJCL News (@WJCLNews) December 12, 2024

Team we’d most hate to reach semifinals: Ohio State. Oregon and its fans can’t really hang. Too many goofy uniform combinations? Too much caffeine in Dan Lanning’s bloodstream? Sure. Phil Knight and Nike’s sordid history? Yes, and Tennessee’s got “Big” Jim Haslam and Pilot Company. But did you see the signs and tailgate props of Browns fans, most of whom are Buckeyes fans, when Deshaun Watson — signed by Jimmy Haslam to the worst contract in sports history — started his tenure? Those people deserve another decade at least of sports misery.

Indiana at Notre Dame, winner gets Georgia: Jimmy Chitwood and Rudy in a slap fight

Has anyone ever worn a visor and not looked like a dolt? Let’s do an online poll, write-in candidates only because I can’t for the life of me come up with a name: The person in human history who has looked coolest wearing a visor is ______.

On an unrelated note, say two things for Georgia coach Kirby Smart: He wins a lot of football games and he convinces his players no one thinks they can win any football games.

His next challenge is to find a way to turn these Bulldogs into underdogs against the winner of the state football championship of a state known for its basketball.

What tradition though, right? Indiana men’s basketball, with all of one Final Four in the past 32 years, having last won it all in 1987, a few months after “Hoosiers” introduced Jimmy Chitwood to movie audiences.

Goodness, the last time IU hoops got as close to a natty as the final 12 teams was in 2002, when Notre Dame coach Marcus Freeman was a 16-year-old star linebacker, getting recruited hard by Notre Dame and realizing he’d prefer a program that could sell recent championships (Ohio State) over 1920s newsreels.

But coaching Notre Dame football? It’s a sweet deal — witness Freeman’s contract extension for following up a loss to Northern Illinois with a bunch of wins over teams not quite that bad. He’ll be hailed far and wide if he can beat the Fighting Curt Cignettis. Notre Dame’s last natty was in 1988, a few years before “Rudy” hit theaters. It keeps coming back to the late 1980s, which is fitting because much of that state seems to wish we still lived in the late 1980s.

Team we’d most hate to reach semifinals: Georgia. Sorry, but Sankey sort of Darth Vaders up the whole enterprise. Notre Dame is right there, though. At least 99.99 percent of unaffiliated fans would pick Indiana, which is about as likely as an Indiana Jones sequel in which Indy searches for Knute Rockne’s 1924 practice whistle and trades in his leather fedora for a visor.

SMU at Penn State, winner gets Boise State: Blue field, gold Trans Am, white out

One of the big things they’re watching in this 12-team Playoff is the logistics involved in the four programs that are hosting games. Does everything go smoothly? How does the hotel situation work out? Who do the bowl reps have to pay off to make sure this doesn’t happen again?

It’s especially daunting at Penn State, and not just because the nearest hotel room with a color TV is in Altoona, 44 miles away. Penn State representatives are working hard to fool James Franklin and his team into thinking this is actually a pre-conference game against an FCS opponent. Right down to signs at the local bookstores that read, “Beat Southwest Montana University.”

This means an extensive labyrinth of heaters in the stands, so fans can take part in the traditional “White Out,” but in shorts and T-shirts. No expense is being spared, because we all know how James Franklin and his team react to the words “big game.” If you get into big games against Ryan Day and lose those games, you might have a problem in big games.

One Week#WeAre x #CFBPlayoff pic.twitter.com/TX7bkCpoHC

— Penn State Football (@PennStateFball) December 14, 2024

Now, Penn State fans sometimes go overboard on the Franklin criticism. I saw one after the Ohio State loss who posted that Franklin is “literally taking a blowtorch to this program,” and I had so many questions. Literally? How big of a blowtorch? More of a flamethrower? To the exterior of the football building, the weight room, the footballs themselves? I need more information, including on how the media got away with the cover-up.

Then again, Franklin is incredibly elusive with media, pretending to put on a Harry Potter invisibility cloak and slipping out when he gets tough questions. Big games, schmig schmames. Put my money on Franklin when it’s a big presser and you need a coach who says absolutely nothing.

Team we’d most hate to reach the semifinals: Penn State. It’s almost not worth mentioning. I mean, sure, Boise State has a blue field, which is the sort of thing you’d expect from a team with a postseason ceiling of the Need A Sharper Knife To Scrape The Resin Out Of This Bowl. But it also has Ashton Jeanty. Some of the SMU people are terrifying, but let’s give them some grace — they were missing their football program for a few years.

Speaking of not being able to get out of the late 1980s, we need some new joke fodder for the Mustangs if they’re actually going to be good now — Eric Dickerson’s gold Trans Am and the death penalty have jumped the shark. Figuratively.

Clemson at Texas, winner gets Arizona State: Oh God, You Sun Devil

Did Clemson coach Dabo Swinney already give away the result of the College Football Playoff? Gamblers, pay attention. Here’s what he said to ABC’s Molly McGrath in the moments after his three-loss Tigers beat SMU to claim the ACC title and automatic bid: “We all thought the door was closed on us. But this was God’s plan for us. That’s all I can tell you. God just opened the door and they fought their butts off.”

You know, another person with the same beliefs in the same situation might have kept it to his or her own personal faith and how much strength it has provided, or even how important God has been to certain individuals on the team. A person in that situation might have considered that not all people who root for Clemson have the exact same religious beliefs and that the other team probably has a lot of folks who do, which would make it difficult for God to pick one side or the other in a football game. Some with deep religious beliefs might even have a problem with the idea that God would care about the result of a football game.

But not Dabo! No sirree! Apparently that Clemson fire zone blitz is so good it’s holy, especially when deployed against heathenly opponents. Perhaps then it is written, and not just on Clemson message boards, that Dabo, armed with favor from above, having forgiven the transfer portal, is due for a natty and the resulting bonuses to take that salary higher than $12 million.

Team we’d most hate to reach the semifinals: Clemson. You’ve made Texas a sentimental choice and unworthy of being insulted in this piece, Dabo. For shame. The winner plays Arizona State, a great story, but also a team that might be best off in the Underrated Date In Which You Don’t Have To Spend Or Talk Much Is To Go Bowl.

(Photo of Dabo Swinney: Bob Donnan / Imagn Images)